confused? orderly?

53. The more confused a person is–confused people are called blockheads–the more he can make of himself by diligent study of the self. On the other hand, orderly minds must strive to become true scholars–thorough encyclopedists. At first the confused ones must struggle with massive obstacles–they gain insight slowly. They learn to work laboriously–but then they are lords and masters forever. The orderly person swiftly gains insight–but also loses it swiftly. He soon reaches the second stage–but usually stops there. The last steps are laborious for him, and he can rarely succeed in placing himself in the position of a beginner again once he has attained a certain degree of mastery.

Confusion points to excess of strength and capacity–but deficient equilibrium; precision points to good equilibrium, but meager capacity and strength.

That is why the confused person is so progressive–so perfectible–and why on the other hand the orderly one comes to a halt so early as a Philistine.

To be orderly and precise alone is not to be clear. Through working on himself the confused person arrives at that heavenly transparency–at that self-illumination–which the orderly person so seldom attains.

True genius combined these extremes. It shares swiftness with the last and fullness with the first.

Novalis, 1997. Philosophical writings, Albany, N.Y: State University of New York Press. pp. 31-2

equilibrium, not!

This equilibrium, however, like the equilibrium of the price system, is a moving equilibrium in that it is constantly being changed by change in the parameters of the system, either through genetic mutation, by producing new species or changing old ones, or through changes in the physical parameters of the system through soil erosion or formation (climate changes, ice ages, etc.). This change in parameters, of course, is evolution. It is a disequilibrium system. Equilibrium, indeed, is unknown in the real world in any strict sense, although temporary and partial equilibria are necessary for our system of perception. If our perceptions were sharp enough we would be incapable of taxonomy. Every second the whole world would look different (in fact, it is). All taxonomy, indeed, is a product of the inadequacies of human perception. How very fortunate these inadequacies are!

Boulding, K.E., 2009. Systems Research and the Hierarchy of World Systems: General Systems in Special Chaos. Systems Research and Behavioral Science, 26(4), pp.505–509.

Les Chronophages

The need for criticism to include the framework for a new, alternate pathway to travel upon shows up when I find myself focusing too much on circumscribing the problems. This is the same as opposition politics that gets too mired in opposition (doh!) and forgetting that an alternative vision is necessary as well. How to find autonomous spaces when on the road, moving along the lines of power drawn by the dominant social system? How to find or facilitate interstitial spaces that are not under the control of that system. Do these spaces have a set of characteristics that makes them immediately identifiable? Or are they only identified by the precise instances of (uncontrolled) energy flow that occur within them? (chicken-and-egg situation!) For every unit of human-controlled flow of energy, there are countless flows of energy of many orders greater magnitude that are not controlled. Humans are capable of controlling a certain, very limited range of flows. This range has increased in time from those expressions of embodied reach to those far beyond the direct impact of that body. By collecting the energy of many bodies, humans are able to express and project the reach of their control over vast regions. Ultimately, this reach is limited by the number of bodies at the disposal of the regime and the efficiency with which that granular energy is harnessed (through those controlled pathways).

Ran across a couple (excerpted) essays by Ivan Illich, a radical critic of techno-social consumerist systems.

The machine-like behavior of people chained to electronics constitutes a degradation of their well-being and of their dignity which, for most people in the long run, becomes intolerable. Observations of the sickening effect of programmed environments show that people in them become indolent, impotent, narcissistic and apolitical. The political process breaks down, because people cease to be able to govern themselves; they demand to be managed. — Ivan Illich, Silence is a Commons

The demands made by tools on people become increasingly costly. This rising cost of fitting man to the service of his tools is reflected in the ongoing shift from goods to services in over-all production. Increasing manipulation of man becomes necessary to overcome the resistance of his vital equilibrium to the dynamic of growing industries; it takes the form of educational, medical, and administrative therapies. Education turns out competitive consumers; medicine keeps them alive in the engineered environment they have come to require; bureaucracy reflects the necessity of exercising social control over people to do meaningless work. The parallel increase in the cost of the defense of new levels of privilege through military, police, and insurance measures reflects the fact that in a consumer society there are inevitably two kinds of slaves: the prisoners of addiction and the prisoners of envy. — Ivan illich, Tools for Conviviality

The uncontrolled gesture: go to your edge

Starting with the immediate body as a field-of-action to release control (versus the control-at-a-distance regime we are immersed within now):

Bushwhacking is a method to relinquish control of the trajectory of the body. By exposing the body to the unknown, one has to respond in real time, in the present. This present invites the presence of be-here-now and within that state of be-ing, the embodied self yields to the edge that divides the controlled from un-controlled. Precisely at that edge is the locus of active transformation and change. Making the next step into the unknown is, literally, an act of trust in the body, in a belief that entering the unknown will present possibility. Whether or not this possibility is merely the chance of the continuance of the species (in a biological framework), the projection of life into the not-now, the future, or whether it is an operative pre-condition for a transcendent state I cannot at this moment comment on. Somehow, this is a question that each individuated being self-wise has to make in each of those moments.
more “The uncontrolled gesture: go to your edge”

Redirecting the Flows of Energy in Natural Systems

(but wait a minute, LIFE is, by definition, a redirecting of the flows of energy in a natural system — a redirecting that is a necessary (but not sufficient) condition of living systems — according to basic non-equilibrium thermodynamics of living systems.)

However, there is a scalar difference between humans and other living entities where some humans attempt this kind of control on wide scales, with others re-directing those same energies to completely different configurations, some only images of what their ‘original’ pattern of flow once were. (it’s a question of degree?)
more “Redirecting the Flows of Energy in Natural Systems”

controlled or dynamic processes?

Do humans (life-forms) exert control over environments by modifying flows to help them re-member and stabilize their forms? To form them in a way that resonates within their energized neural storage regime (life-form)? Probably not, as from a bio-thermodynamic point of view, life exerts control (simply) in order to deplete energy gradients (according to the authors of Into the Cool, an exploration of NET (non-equilibrium thermodynamics) and its relation to life/living systems).

Or can this even be considered a control process, this interaction of modifying flows? Or is it merely part of the cumulative (dynamic) process of life as an engagement of the entropic/negentropic fundamentals of the universe?

I realized that in Regime of Amplification I got the terminology a bit wrong — focusing on the anisotropic concentration and rarefaction of energized matter as the fundamental condition (as driven by gravitational forces). When it is the gradient between the two situations which is of primary interest and importance. — a bit similar to seeing only the elemental yin and yang instead of the overarching dynamic unity, the taijitu. So, a rewrite is in order — to look at the transitional state rather than (theoretical and limited) end-states.

Into The Cool

The Second Law of Thermodynamics, a foundation of Western science, circumscribes the role of energy and order in the observed behaviors of the cosmos. (It’s not just a recommendation, it’s The Law!) Into the Cool is an elegant and well-researched book that makes the linkage between this law and the fundamentals of life as a dynamic energy re-organizing process. I was frequently using the image of concentration and rarefaction in my exploration of energy-as-driving metaphor for the cosmos at all scales. This is a classic error — mistaking the stasis of Yin and Yang for the actuality that those ‘conditions’ were merely perihelion points in a dynamic process symbolized by the taijitu. Rarefaction and concentration are dynamic and reciprocal conditions in a non-equilibrium thermodynamic system at all times and at all scales — a sustained condition that can only be ‘resolved’ by the application of a theoretical limit on the system which makes it a closed and tending-to-equilibrium system. With the reciprocal maxim Nature abhors a gradient, the authors frame the issues surrounding energy and life. That is, observing the cosmos at all scales, it is noted that entropy, or the gradual descent into complete isotropic ‘disorder’ is a tendency — at the same time there is a tendency for ordering driven by gravity (and the rest of the fundamental interactions of physics). Defining life, and consequently, defining the role of life in this dynamic interplay of processes is essentially the same goal. Life could perhaps be defined by that which causes anisotropy to develop in the cosmos. Certainly anisotropy is a necessary condition for life — necessary but perhaps not sufficient — although sufficiency, well, the existence of anisotropy at all scales plays a crucial role in life — without it the universe would be exhibit no difference and would thus not be comprehensible nor could anything happen.

The continuously-variable energy fabric upon which all is drawn in may not logically be sufficient, but in the poetic schema of be-ing and presence, I would say that it was sufficient.

Into the Cool: Energy Flow Thermodynamics and Life, Schneider, Eric D. and Dorion Sagan, The University of Chicago Press, Chicago, 2005.

Weltanschauung

The construction of a worldview is a process of feedback, memory, and resonance with that memory arising out of an awareness of difference.

We know remarkably little about the ground functions of practically the entire system we are embedded within.

Writing an idiosyncratic worldview oscillates between the interior and exterior of being. It moves through all culture and social systems, the natural world, and every code encoded, every text ever written. To this passage is mixed lived impression, the accumulate energized traces that life leaves on the body — traces that, ultimately, are memory. And through memory, life compares these two strands: difference arises.

Traces of word and traces of where and when word arrived into the body-system: spoken, written, the two means to no end. Each in arrangement, in relation with an Other, Others. The relation to the Other defined by inarticulate resonance framed and directed into word, and left as traces both embodied and those dis-embodied, change left behind as bodies pass by. more “Weltanschauung”

MEP and other things

Presuming the Terran system is a (fully) self-regulating system, then the hypothesis would have to include the entire evolutionary process which produced human beings among other biota under the particular macroscopic and microscopic availing conditions. Self-regulation would then suggest that the system will solve the current problems of human over-population and resource spoilage as it solves all other oscillations of what is a system in thermodynamic disequilibrium. Biospheric self-organization (among a holistic range of other mechanisms that we likely have no clue about in the moment), will do it’s thing. Despite, in spite of, and at the effect of what a specific biotic evolutionary line is doing. There is plenty of data showing wide-scale fluctuations in, for example, atmospheric components related to changing biotic fluxes.

Angel Place

Angel Place, one of those darkish urban voids produced by vertical development and poor planning, is host to the Forgotten Songs installation as part of the Hidden Networks program. Sounds of extinct and near-extinct species that once filled this very ground before colonization. The bird (sounds) are in cages. What brilliant human-applied alterations of flow does (temporarily) to natural systems: when’s a mass equilibrating event gonna happen?

Ice Land

Wow, the lid is blowing off the formerly staid and sheep-like Icelandic society. Following the collapse of their entire economy from top to bottom, side to side, Icelanders are finally making a vocal and physically critical look at the excesses of the political and business leaders who they have supported without question over the last couple decades.

News from Iceland usually centers around glaciers, volcanoes, whaling, tourism, or in more recent years, music. But all that has been displaced by the spectacular fall from fifth highest on the world’s standard of living index to International Monetary Fund-ed pauper-hood, all in a couple months.

And of those same government officials, politicians, and business people, not one has paid any public price for their despotic (nepotistic!) greed (aside from some of their Empires collapsing, surely, though, after they have secreted away the cream). The Chairman of the Central Bank and former Prime Minister David Oddsson — nicknamed in the 1990s Little Hitler by the few who saw his rule as one based on enormous reserves of ego rather than economic expertise — has refused to resign or even admit any errors in judgment while the entire national economy has collapsed.

Not prone to display dirty national laundry in the international arena, Iceland has been ridiculed with an unprecedented vehemence in British and other international press outlets, often at the hands of expat Icelanders who are so fed up with the whole scandal that they are breaking the public self-critical taboo. Several leading international economists, familiar with the Icelandic situation are reminding the public of the warnings that were proffered months ago of the possibility of impending crisis, all which were ignored by a government who, in the run-up to the crisis, repeatedly claimed the economy was sound.

In private conversations, I frequently pointed out the deep nepotism in the architecture of power that suffused Icelandic society as well as the reciprocal sheep-like obedience of the general populace; especially among the government politicos but really everywhere in a system that sustains perhaps only three of the possible six degrees of separation. Everybody knows everybody.

At any rate, I had wanted to post some links to pertinent resources in this fast-developing situation if only that it might be an object lesson on the excesses of a system that Iceland was very talented in upholding — that of consumer capitalism in all its vain-glory.

There’s the Iceland Weather Report by native, Alda Sigmundsdóttir. She has taken some major strides over the history of her blog, most recently doing interviews with voices critical of the current regime including one with the Icelandic economist Thorvaldur Gylfason.

Another voice which I concur with strongly based on my long experience with Icelandic culture is voiced by New Zealand economist Robert Wade. Small dribbles of news in the more traditional style of Icelandic media (passive echoing of officials) may be found in English at the Morgunbladid (the main national newspaper). They have been absolute supporters of the Oddsson regime and the reactionary Independence Party that he represents.

I could relate many stories from Iceland, and, indeed, have done that here over the last 14 years, but these days, my attitude is that they deserve what has happened. The broader population accepted uncritically the fiscal direction of the Independence Party and the incredibly greedy business elite (very very large fish in a very very small pond). Some Icelandic voices have recently pointed out this very sheep-like behavior on behalf of the public — as something that hopefully is in the process of being purged through increasingly violent protest actions that are both long overdue and at the same time completely not disturbing the equilibrium of the ruling elite.

thesis proposal :: Background

Background for Research

While individual human presence in this world has fundamental repercussions on be-ing, it is the ever-present and synergistic exchange between humans — forming what I call a “continuum of relation” — that governs much of life. This energetic field of human relation is sometimes fraught with difficulties and complications in spite of the rich and necessary dynamic it brings to life. Technology, as a ubiquitous factor in mediating human relation, often dominates while presented as providing the only opportunity for mediated connection and interaction between humans.

Presence, as apprehended by the Other, circumscribes a range of sensory inputs that require energy (from the Self) to stimulate and drive. The efficacy and sustainability of human connection builds on the very real and tangible transmissions and receptions of energy between the Self and the Other. An interconnected plurality of dialectic human relation may be described as a network. These networks, made up of a web of Self-Other connections form the base fabric of the continuum of relation. Technology appears in these networks as the mediating pathway that is the carrier of energy from node to node, person to person. Technological systems also appear to apply absolute restraints on and attenuation of the idiosyncratic flows inherent in that continuum of relation. The discrete objects that populate the (technological) landscape of the continuum of relation and that modulate the character of communications are literally artifacts of a materialist point of view. A primary assumption in my research is that a materialist or mechanistic view of the world no longer suffices to adequately circumscribe the phenomena occurring within the continuum of relation. more “thesis proposal :: Background”

ascending

holiday in Netherlands, Ascension Day. internet goes out. just after figuring things out with the next day’s schedule. meeting tomorrow with Carmin, Rob, Geert and Linda, uff.

several times, friends in Europe have expressed the sentiment that they should be allowed to vote for the next US president. I don’t blame them.

in a cafe. pretending that I am a normal tourist. visiting this place on a week’s break from the job. shaky premise. Chinese tourists, comfortable in their own skins, progressing to world dominance. while Amurika founders in scarce 225 years. street musicians sing “if you’re going to San Francisco, make sure you have some flowers in your hair…” or so. he’s Amurikan, maybe 40 years old. maybe more, maybe less. who knows. age becomes less knowable or even contemplated. as day after day there is yet another blank page let lie, while pretty girls smile and rub their lover’s backs. tattooed arms intertwined. and what of life trajectory, how it goes? year overtaking year. while an older guy sits down at the next table with a baby-fist-sized spherical knob on the top left side of his head. bulbous. the tattooed gal shows the dimple in her lower back to her lover. they kiss. each second of eye contact they have, I age a year. slowly sinking into anonymous senility. nothing to do but stare down the far horizon, if it could be seen at all here in the City, to spot any sign of Death approaching. but there are too many brick buildings framing the space of Rembrandtsplein. more “ascending”

pre-amped

Amplification is a primary function of molecular cascades (selective reduction of environmental cues—which are essentially electromagnetic energy impinging on sensory receptors). The process requires that an organism has a consistent surplus of energy to provide the necessary amplification of signal. Often amplification factors are in excess of 1000x in the case of optic nerve stimulation by a single photon and the subsequent processes unleashed in the nerve cell. An organism needs consistently and readily available energy source(s) to improve the possibility of survival-to-reproduction. But why does reproduction play such a big role in a discrete/single organism’s existence?—to simply continue life—or is life a continuum within which all organisms are connected by nature?

It is by avoiding the rapid decay into the inert state of ‘equilibrium’ that an organism appears so enigmatic… What an organism feeds upon is negative entropy. Or, to put it less paradoxically, the essential thing in metabolism is that the organism succeeds in freeing itself from all the entropy it cannot help producing while alive.

Schrödinger, Erwin. What Is Life? The Physical Aspect of the Living Cell. New York, NY: Cambridge University Press, 1992.

neuroscenes

I think Nick suggests that moniker, but maybe not. my memory of daily existence is very flat and lacking any cataloged depth or retrieval landmarks. this will persist into the future. with spinal cord damage. the entire neuro-system is off. so is the lap where the laptop resides. some skin surface below the suture line reacts with the definite sensation of burning when there is only a slight pressure contact. confused nerves. distorted signals. while the main body system slowly oscillates, out of equilibrium.

forces in equilibrium

Time slips into the next several steps, with nothing spare to make reflexive jottings here. Now in Catonsville, on a long-delayed visit with Steve, about to do a collab stream as part of his art@radio project which takes the form of a weekly streamed hour of sonic art works and a variety of other collaborative sonic streaming projects. It was previously airing on WMBC, the University of Maryland — Baltimore County student station, but with infrastructure improvements, Steve can now broadcast a stream from home via nicecast to a server maintained by the IRC

bed, Catonsville, Maryland, November 2004



Sólveig’s

Forgot to write anything, lost in the hangover haze from one of those dinner parties. Sólveig and Artu invited me over with some other artists from Denmark, Iceland, Sweden, and Finland for a loooong Russian dinner which turned out fabulous. Even though all the onions that were diced were NOT eaten. Everything else, including the vodka, was consumed, as per video evidence below … a walk home at 0430 was nice, though, with the bright morning Light already in full tilt. I chant I’m on a’nother fuckin’ planet, I’m on a’nother fuckin’ planet, I’m on a’nother fuckin’ planet, I’m on a’nother fuckin’ planet as I pass by Töölönlahti, the Taidehalli and Eduskuntatalo (Parliament House) on the way home, also evidenced late in that video. Only problem, I paid for the walk the next two days. I had forgotten to put the small foot-pad in my left boot. Seems that for my spine to be in equilibrium, the left heel must ride a couple millimeters higher than the right. Symmetries of nature do not apply to the left/right sliced-and-mirrored human body. The generated image of meat-half and reflected-half forms two subtle monsters. In my case, left side of body (right brain) is variously halt and lame. While the right side (left brain) dominates. Eyesight also anti-symmetric where right eye is far-sighted, left eye, near. One optometrist tells me, hey, this is a good thing because you will always be able to see something without glasses. Okay, I think it was the same optometrist who gave the wrong prescription and made the left eye get worse over a 6-month period way back in the 1980s. Idiot. But eyes stay with the same strength for a decade now. No changes. Same glasses. The frames bear the corroded temples from Pacific salt water, sunglasses worn after surfing. Now about that Swedish gal in the hallway, it was pretty crowded in the closet.

leaking gutters

Trying to decode the situation here. Rough living, tough being. Russian dominance turned upside-down. Posturing. And people are still nervous about it, going on six, seven years after the formal and final retreat of the Soviet troops. Interesting conversations. The possibility of living here. As a base, it would be so easy to survive. So cheap. Then work somewhere else. But I would have to forget about Colorado, forever. Here, there. How long will I be of several minds about where I am? And the movement in the next ten days. Riga – Tallinn – Helsinki – Stockholm – Oslo – Helsinki – Oslo – Reykjavik. Two of three Baltic State capitals, four of the five Nordic capitals. Copenhagen left out in the frenzy. Too bad, could have caught up with Björn there in K’havn…

Note: leaking gutters make walking in Riga a task of avoidance. Sandy cobblestones line all streets. Dripping flow of snow-melt and chunks of ice falling from rooftops focus the attention of pedestrians. Recalling the long-ago visit of some German art students to Iceland with Nan Hoover, I laugh to meself, picturing how much trouble they had walking across a lava field on the south coast. Having seldom if ever been on anything but German pavement and sidewalks: comic gyrations in the struggle to maintain equilibrium. Streets are quiet somehow, like the liberation hasn’t quite gotten here. Where tourism has increased by 39% in Estonia (vodka tourist as the Finns who crowd the cheap ferries from Helsinki are called), Latvia has not seen this increase at all. There is no rail connections to Central Europe, so the only way is to arrive by very slow bus on narrow two-lane roads, or by flying. The Russian ship that used to sail to Stockholm stopped sometime in the aftermath of the SS Estonia disaster. People tell me that it was “arrested” in the port of Stockholm, but nobody can tell exactly why. Anyway, quiet streets — strolling around one notices that it is difficult to see into the shops which fill the ground floors of most buildings. Signs are inconspicuous and nondescript. Windows seem small and are often of dark glass or the interior lighting seems dim. I find it difficult to actually identify what a shop is selling. Prices are low. Women are dressed well in long fur coats, black boots, and hats — lean, trim, and striking. Men prefer black leather coats and jackets; sometimes the stereotype of the Russian Mafioso passes by, loafers on, soft leather jacket, pasty alcoholic skin and a look of guarded suspicion. Everyone carries a rather severe demeanor. Colors are muted. Reminds me of East Berlin in the late 1980s. But the people are different. The streets are absolutely clean, and I understood why as the bus to Tallinn drove out of town at 0630 on a Friday morning — there is a person, dressed in rather normal street clothes, sometimes even a bit dressed up, one on each block, sweeping the sidewalks clean with twig brooms like the street cleaners in Paris used to used to use twenty years ago. (Has it been so long since I first set foot in Paris?)

The Russians, the Swedes, the Danes, the Germans, the Poles, all have trampled with jack-booted armies across these lands, and there is a feeling of weariness somewhere. The Russians who are still here (almost half the total population!) seem loud. And the encroachment of Western pan-global capitalism is perhaps just another occupation. The parks in the city are large. The buildings of the old town are in various stages of reconstruction and dereliction. All construction progressing towards the idealized new national Latvian image.

sleeping tight

The last day here, and consequently, the last day with Loki for many months. I will never get used to these partings. If ever I do, then I deserve the worst in life. Loki seems to take it all within a scope that does not disturb his equilibrium and being. He does seem happier at home here, rather than traveling around with me. He has his friends here, and a home and a room of his own, all his toys. I wonder if there will come a time when he will leave this place willingly to live elsewhere. Whether the relative glories of Amerika will draw him from this land of safety and quiet survival. Taa-daa … He goes to sleep, sleep tight, and don’t let the bed bugs bite… He tells me it is important to sleep tight so that one won’t have bad dreams. As opposed to sleeping loose. I go to bed tired. Although I can imagine that this night will be uncomfortable, as is usual for the nights before big jumps in space-time-e-motion. Actually only a short flight south, 45 minutes across the highlands, spectacular if clear, harrowing if the weather is bad which it very well may be…

loss of memory

Well. Entries got thrown off in a massive way following the complete crash of my hard drive on the evening before I was to fly from Arizona to NYC. The eighteenth of August, Loki’s birthday. Ten absolutely hectic days later I am returning to some equilibrium, although something critical has been broken in me head. The ten days have been full of all kinds of mind-twisting events including a weekend of memory mounting … my twentieth high school reunion (Gaithersburg High School, in a suburb of Washington DC), plane, bus, van, limo, taxi, and car travel, frantic action to attempt recovery of data from my crashed drive, a long hike into the National Forest near my parents, a long day of interviewing for the position of either Director or Photography Resident at the Peters Valley center, an art/craft center about 70 miles outside of NYC in the Delaware Water Gap National Recreation area, attending a show of the Prescott Cowboy Poets Festival … I hardly know where to begin. The crash surely is front-line to my steadily increasing angst with this life-style. As I put so much stock in my laptop, investing the full roles of studio and office and personal living space in it, it has become incredibly important a tool. I do regularly back up, but don’t carry an extra drive to backup to all the time. I did a partial backup around 7 July, but in that, I missed my entire email archive. That I lost back to May. Along with all the writing and image work I had done in Arizona. But there have been plenty of things that I would like to comment on. So I will simply retrospect on what I can. In the form of fragments … At the moment I am sitting in Amy and Randy’s apartment in Stamford, where I have been except for a few nights for the last ten days. Randy is on his way home from work, and the three of us will head for a movie. Friday evening beginning the last holiday weekend of the summer, and, in most peoples minds, the last weekend of the summer. Schools begin next week in most places, and, well, frankly, it is getting colder. I ended up staying at the folks place for three more days beyond Monday the nineteenth. I was scared to death to get on the plane with much of my data somewhere between chaos and oblivion. I lost at least four hundred scanned images and all my teaching notes. Somehow the whole event threw me off so badly I can hardly bear it. Losing memory. Like I will forget what was written. Again, it goes directly back to mediation and all that: memory mediated by the memory of the machine. Remembering all the 700 telephone numbers and emails and addresses of those in my address database. As though I could recall them all myself? And the thousands of words I have typed to people around the world, and thousands received. The sheer volume. Quality? Quantity? I am left at an impasse. Straddling a fence. Part of me thinking it would be better to simply bag the whole way-of-going. Forget it. Or push myself to improve my meat-space memory. Like imagining my son. I don’t carry pictures of him. Do I remember his face, his way of laughing and smiling? The sensation of hugging and kissing him and holding him. Watching him sleep in the bright summer twiLight of that land of Ice. I do not know. The effect of Machine. Of mediation. Loss of memory.

When you are young you always expect that the world is going to end. And then you get older and the world still chugs along and you are forced to re-evaluate your stance on the apocalypse as well as your own relationship to time and death. You realize that the world will indeed continue, with or without you, and the pictures you see in your head. So you try to understand the pictures instead. — Douglas Coupland

tarantula

Okay, a late evening following a long day of mixed activities. Another huge storm circled the area this afternoon. Driving back to JAH’s place in Chino Valley (I’m dog-sitting for a week: Tigger and Tadley), there were drifts of half-inch (1+ cm) hailstones on the sides of the road. I was glad I wasn’t around for that. And that was about two hours after the storm passed through the area. It is, in local lingo, the Monsoon season, and although these storms don’t have the temporal duration of a tropical monsoon, they definitely make up for it in momentary fury … The Lightning was striking within a few hundred meters repeatedly as I drove through an edge of the storm on the way into Prescott earlier in the day. Fascinating! And the land needs the rain. Looks like the forest fire on Granite Mountain is dying out from a combination of rain and natural firebreaks. They left for a weeks vacation in Utah and Colorado. Fishing and camping and one day for competing with two of their Australian Sheepdogs in a regional dog show. They just started training and showing the Aussies earlier this year. I was telling Joy this story in an email letter: JAH picked me up at lunch so I could get her car and start dog-sitting at her place. We went by another (Aussie) trainers house to pick up a travel kennel for one of her dogs. I picked up the kennel to take it to the car and both the women kinda moved away saying something. I didn’t pay attention to their reaction until I saw from the corner of my eye on the garage floor a modest-sized tarantula. The other trainer said something and then stepped on it. Faugh. I felt a ripple of karma, kind of a shaking of space-time equilibrium, but said nothing. Looking at the destroyed creature for a split second before getting out of the place with the kennel. I thought, there’s a person who has no sense of the value of life, what a gross thing to do so off hand … Not that I am innocent of karmic crimes, but at this stage of life, I would not step on or otherwise kill a tarantula. I mean, what for? Why kill them? Lordy. Anyway.