A story

“A story must be judged according to whether it makes sense. And ‘making sense’ must be here understood in its most direct meaning: to make sense is to enliven the senses. A story that makes sense is one that stirs the senses from their slumber, one that opens the eyes and the ears to their real surroundings, tuning the tongue to the actual tastes in the air and sending chills of recognition along the surface of the skin. To make sense is to release the body from the constraints imposed by outworn ways of speaking, and hence to renew and rejuvenate one’s felt awareness of the world. It is to make the senses wake up to where they are.” ― David Abram

The question: what is the lineage of what is now called a story (a fiction, a documentary, a novel, a reportage …)? Where does this symbol-laden, semiotic act come from?

When many tell the same one, or when I tell one to myself, in a dream: these are different instances, very much so, than One telling a story—the story—to many. Numbers.

When the story is a deliberate inhalation and exhalation, the warmth of breath, vital, embodied, incarnate, voice: hypostasis.

Before writing, before the interpolation of symbolic systems, the story was the body: the body, a story.

What is at the core of the desperate need to tell stories in this moment, in this cosmos? What is the psychology of storytelling? Everyone has a story, but the embodied, singular telling is suppressed in the noise of the technosocial now.

And when is enough of this telling? word dialogue Light revolution action. When does telling change to listening, and when do words transform into actions?

I force myself to write something, anything, letters on a screen, filling line-by-line. Though there is little to be said and much to be done. A hollow emptiness that has overtaken days and days. Cosmological movement becomes the singular touchstone that allows demarcated time. The horizon, and zenith, the ecliptic and azimuth. Where is the sun, the moon, Andromeda, Orion, Sirius, and the Milky Way? The temporal where of heavenly transit becomes the story.

life feels raw

It feels terrifically raw in the moment: precarious, transitory, the inverse of epic, bound by tiny details.

Remember to breathe while gaping at the encroaching Void. Want to feel alive? Stare it down. To give force to this act, it must arise in acquiescence to all forms of resistance. Give way.

It doesn’t matter, recall is gone, mental decay leads to be-ing in the present only.

There are the ongoing international conversations that are happening, most notably on the empyre list where I have a forum to surface a number of ideas around The Regime of Amplification. But the issue comes up about whether I should simply send out copies of the dissertation (or my post-submission working copy that I play with on occasion). Traditionally, a PhD would take the dissertation text and ‘turn it into’ a book published on some university press. Given the content, style, and subject, and my distinct lack of time and ability to chase a publisher, this in not likely to happen. So, why not just distribute for free and distribute widely? I’ve rarely stuck with ‘tradition’ anyway, although the thought of somebody out there ‘stealing’ my ideas is … disturbing.

diversions

The primary task to undertake in a learning situation: pushing back the deep im-pressions of attention-diverting noise: to the degree that the actual subject of inquiry is secondary. a practice of facing the unknown which is the core of learning. attentively facing the unknown. mediating technologies tend to wrap us in a cocoon of dis-awareness of our own senses and from the flows that we are immersed within, making it impossible to focus attentions on the flows to begin with… ach! it’s such a pervasive problem. It becomes a powerful motivation to engage (young) people and to push back these im-pressing forces and watch them begin to breath freely again and then, to watch them begin to wonder what it is that they would like to learn about, then participate with them as they approach the unknown and engage it…

Wanderlust

I kept coming back to this route for respite from my work, and for my work too, because thinking is generally thought of as doing nothing in a production-oriented culture, and doing nothing is hard to do. It’s best done by disguising it as doing something, and the something closest to doing nothing is walking. Walking itself is the intentional act closest to the unwilled rhythms of the body, to breathing and the beating of the heart. It strikes a delicate balance between working and idling, being and doing. It is a bodily labor that produces nothing but thoughts, experiences, arrivals. — Rebecca Solnit

Solnit, Rebecca (2000). Wanderlust: A History of Walking. New York: Penguin Books.

It’s hard to brightly imagine that when we decide to retreat to the desert or to the mountains to walk, it is a process deeply colored and, literally, in/de-formed by relatively recent cultural contingency.

The retreat is steeped in a socially constructed reality that began to emerge around William Wordsworth and J. J. Rousseau’s time and was sparked, in part, by their actual perambulations and especially the writings that welled-up whilst they were on the road (The Excursion, by Wordsworth, for example, and Rousseau’s Reveries of the Solitary Walker).

But in a completely different sense, walking (and be-ing while walking) is ahistoric. Because the present moment is never to be repeated, nor is a life-time to happen twice, the momentary events of that particular movement are unique, and uniquely inspiring. Embodied movement is a passage through the flux of difference, regardless of the pathway. And although I cannot anymore go to the delicious extremes of span and height and endurance that so many others have done and will do, it is not extremity that brings the timeless essence of movement. When all is change, the senses are taught to discern the minute difference of the everyday, ever more. In this, the near becomes just as exotic and inspiring as the far and less reachable places.

The End of the Road and The Onset of Dreaming

roadside memorial, near Bitter Springs, Arizona, USA, March 2010
ed: This short note is the epilogue for the Migrating:Art:Academies: book. Because of the heavy-duty editorial tasks, I otherwise didn’t have time to write something more comprehensive on the ideas surrounding movement and learning, maybe next time!

We suspect that even though travel in the modern world seems to have been taken over by the Commodity — even though the networks of convivial reciprocity seem to have vanished from the map — even though tourism seems to have triumphed — even so — we continue to suspect that other pathways still persist, other tracks, unofficial, not noted on the map, perhaps even secret pathways still linked to the possibility of an economy of the Gift, smugglers’ routes for free spirits, known only to the geomantic guerrillas of the art of travel. — Hakim Bey, Overcoming Tourism

This volume Migrating:Art:Academies: represents yet another step on the (linguistic) migration from nation to nation, academy to academy, culture to culture, friend to friend, order to order, life through life. As with the first volume, Migrating Realities, any impossible contortions of English are this editor’s responsibility, and given the time constraints for this latest MigAA tome, there are sure to be some short-comings. But then, of all the movements within the social, language migrates the most of all. It is never static. Nor should it be, especially as it accompanies the learning process — a process which is essentially about encountering and naming that which is not (yet) known. more “The End of the Road and The Onset of Dreaming”

Empty Infinity

Without beginning, without end,
Without past, without future.
A halo of light surrounds the world of the law.
We forget one another, quiet and pure, altogether powerful and empty.
The emptiness is irradiated by the light of the heart and of heaven.
The water of the sea is smooth and mirrors the moon in its surface.
The clouds disappear in blue space; the mountains shine clear.
Consciousness reverts to contemplation; the moon’s disk rests alone.

Wilhelm, R., 1962. The Secret of the Golden Flower: A Chinese Book of Life, New York, NY: Harvest / HBJ Book.

Researching more of Wilhelm’s powerful translation work that continues to widen an opening door into an ultimately livable space. The dorsal/ventral (toku – nin or Circulation of Light) breathing technique elucidated here — even when practiced with flawed concentration — has an immediate and profound affect on the state of the system. I am even surprised with the intensity of change which ensues. The body is straighter, uplifted, and the balance of body heat has shifted drastically — the chronically over-heated head is cooler, the feet and hands warmer. This shift has not yet directly impacted rising gall (yang) in surprise (reactive) situations, but when the breathing becomes first nature, it appears to have the potential to do that. The base-line of calm has shifted for the better. Will have to consult Heiji about these affects. A daily practice of some minutes, with as many reminders shot through the many unconscious moments of non-breathing, seems to be an auspicious start. There is no going back on this discovered knowledge.

(How to Sit) Zazen

It’s a good example of the affect of mediation on socially-generated practices of any sort [this came into mind when I saw a poster advertising a IEEE conference here in Sydney. The posted contained all the recognized and standardized functions of conferences anywhere on any subject. The cocktail evening cruises on the ________ (fill in the blank) river/harbor/lake. The hospitality suites in the _________ (fill in the blank) hotel. The keynotes by famous personages. The plenaries, the break-outs, the posters, workshops, and seminars. yadda, yadda. Don’t people get tired of this endless repetition of heavily coded social protocols?]

The following was downloaded from the UM (University of Minnesota) original Gopher online text retrieval system sometime in the winter of 1991-92. I think it’s the first document (extant) that I downloaded via that new networked document system — the direct precursor of the WWW. Coming around in a very long, very wide circle, from the roots of the digital coming-to-being in the last millennium, breathe deeply:

1. Sit on the forward third of a chair or cushion.
more “(How to Sit) Zazen”

Holly’s graduation

Golden High School graduation at Brooks Field on the School of Mines campus on what starts off as a dreary and chilly morning with uncharacteristic clouds sticking to the foothills. Holly is the Valedictorian. the weather clears up by the end when Montse and I head back to the house for final party preparations. I take the opportunity to get the whole Williamson Clan together for a group portrait.

fourteen hours later, celebrations finally end with a round of toasts for the graduate.

Dear Holly. What a pleasure to be here to celebrate this time with you! The teacher who spoke at graduation is precisely right that whenever two humans cross pathways they are both changed in ways that are not (always) immediately apparent. This is a powerful principle of life: when we realize and take to heart that this occurs, we may intensify the outcomes of these encounters through open, honest, and unfettered engagement. This engagement should be attentive, concentrated, and focused. Through this, any other human encountered becomes a collaborative partner in a dynamic creative process that is the essence of life. As is taught, the next person you encounter may be the Buddha, and thus, how you engage governs the potential for enLightenment. I wish you all the best in your near and far future; that the pathways you walk will be full of those transformative encounters; and that the transformations bring the breath-taking inspiration that makes life joyous. Life is a phenomena! You are phenomenal! At any point you have questions, answers, observations, or discoveries to share, I am happy to give you my attention. Thank you for being you! oxoxox jh

bush-walking

Today, after that small amount of moisture in the night, the entire place is vibrating. When standing still, there is a loud and continuous background buzzing that is non-specific in source direction. Standing near a particular blossoming plant, there is the sensation of particular bees and other insects doing their thing, but otherwise, there is this background humming that has no point source but rather simply is — like the hissing of blood in the ear.

On the way in to Sycamore Spring both times, I note the existence of a lone Cottonwood tree growing up in the middle of a lightly sloping alluvial fan below a sizable unnamed mesa. The only possibility for a Cottonwood to be there is water, and plenty of it. A good objective for a bushwhack. After the numerous encounters with slithering and rattling things yesterday, attention to movement and especially foot placement becomes aligned with breathing. Of course, any movement has to be calculated when in such an environment. Miscalculated movement will be punished by some extremely sharp and pointed object intersecting and likely penetrating the body wall. I escape these four days with only two of those painful encounters, both arising in the thin slice of time between a visual scan of upcoming terrain and a glance at some specific object within the field of view. Then aiiii-shit! as the pain jolts upwards from compromised shin.

This bushwhack takes me to the Cottonwood. It looks to be around a hundred years old, there are a few other water-seeking plants, a tamarisk, rooted in a whitish rock ledge. Apparently some near-surface water is available. Paradise in the shade under the tree. Except for the stench of death which I trace to the desiccating corpse of a cow 20 meters away in the scrub. The shifting wind brings eye-watering wafts on occasion, but otherwise I spend an hour or two soaking up the energy of being under the lush green canopy surrounded by hard-core Sonoran desert. It is a singularity like Sycamore Spring on a smaller scale and with no running surface water.

Minuscule F/A-18 fighters are frequently dog-fighting in the airspace above. In the day and night. Moving in and out of unaided vision, tightly circling each other, dropping flares, and, with afterburners, roaring in such volume that all ambient sound is swallowed. For our nation’s security. So it goes.

Otherwise, commercial flight contrails gradually fill the sky with high-level cirrus clouds that soften the terrain and its re-radiative impact, but this effect diminishes the Light of the desert — and with that, its nature; along with distorting the energy flux among the organisms living here. They did not evolve with spent jet fuel clouds hanging overhead to shade them from the burnishing sun. This is a problem. Just another problem that the human species have applied through their amplification system — this is the waste product, waste energy, which alters the environment.

The rest of the day is a slow and rambling return to base. Run across some small mining digs, one trenched into a pegmatite dike that includes some coarsely crystallized black tourmaline with its classic trigonal (rhombohedral hemimorphic) cross-sections. Someone has tramped this land, and in the hunt for extractive wealth, has, literally, left no stone un-turned. The West is everywhere scarred by these digs from small two-meter test pits to the massive kilometer-wide open-pit gashes. That mineral bonanza, that natural ‘surplus’ regime drove and still drives the development of the West. Straight north of here about 15 kilometers, is the Phelps-Dodge copper/molybdenum open-pit monstrosity. Without which, well, as the old Colorado School of Mines bumper sticker suggested — Ban Mining, Let the Bastards Freeze in the Dark — the developed world could not exist.

wacky yachts

Meeting life, being submerged in its flow remains only a goal. Like breathing. Where a developed consciousness of breathing becomes a stabilizing influence on the extremes of condition that impress the body and the soul as night turns to day and day following transitions to night.

By the same author of Where Are the Customers’ Yachts?, Andrea passes this wacky niblet (below) along. The yacht question is incredibly germane in the situation these days when a vast swath of the population still takes hits on the market (is foolish to listen to dullards/brokers) and then calculates for a few seconds in some small cavity in brain why the brokers still have the yachts, but then passes over any clear thought in order to stay up with discussions about lipstick in the national election. sheesh.

Wacky had plenty of other stuff too. He had different shells that he had found himself when he visited the seashore. Some of them had been on the beach, but some of them he had got out of almost two feet of water, which meant that when he had reached down for them, he had nearly had to put his nose in the water, because you have to take those chances if you want to get something valuable. The snail shells made a sound quite like the ocean, and the clam shells were going to be useful to keep collar buttons in as soon as he got old enough to wear collar buttons.

He had only one college pennant, but it was of the Colorado School of Mines, which is a college where they teach you to dig. Mr. Wallaby said that was more than they taught you in other colleges, so he wouldn’t need any other pennants. — Fred Schwed, Jr., “Wacky, The Small Boy,” 1939

the last week

The IFKiK seminar ends in two side-steps which confirm the un-sustainability of that particular track of teaching—the holding to a(ny) model. It is a direct outcome of facilitating that the participants actually mutiny and go off on their own, rejecting authority and (s)lack, along with strong expressions of independence and a desire to find relevant subject areas for inquiry. When will this happen on a larger scale, across larger swaths of so-called learning spaces? There are clear limits to tolerance, this demonstrates, but can those limits be prescribed and stretched without pre-tension? Or does any pre-tension doom the process from moving into at least an abandoned form of random encounter, instead into mere buffoonery.

Well before the end it was already impossible to sustain a track, so that option fell by the way-side. At the same time, dialogues were undertaken with a ferocious concentration. This had the effect of gradually loosening any vestige of authority-in-relation in addition to any privileging of knowledge or know-ing. Dramatic developments. And as the (post)authoritarian protocol became internally incoherent, evolving too many possible interpretations, efforts focused on relinquishing traces of control that the protocol demanded and instead the formation of a new protocol exclusive of the facilitator. Did not compile the questions, such as they were. Relevancy appeared to be attained, but through a desire to move back to traditional models of relation (the text). Very interesting development. Will have to re-think that framework. Of all the thousands of possibly inspiring texts to consume, which will be the right combination? hmmm. A cook book might be the best starting point.

A little awkward with the stylized ending, but as a sample in the extreme spectrum of idiosyncratic confabulation, very interesting!, or … not. ! A formative de-briefing is hoped for, but that will have to arise independently in other temporal spaces. Perhaps easy to be cynical about the self and the situation, but human encounter arises in all forms, this being one of them. No qualitative judgment possible.

Cycling across town to Charlottenburg is fascinating, exhilarating, memorized now: the transitions, the corners, the sounds, the traffic. The tourists, the police, the Park, the City. The images and sounds are building up to something.

Head to Lichtenberg for Barbara and Susanne’s birthday party, in a green garden shaded by an enormous and very healthy apple tree, late into the slightly chilly evening, a fire of large pieces of timber that clearly were formerly from houses. 25×25 cm cross-section, pieces several meters long, with nails in them. Rafters from destroyed buildings. War relics. Or reliquaries. Incredible food and a Russian accordionist.

busy day

breakfast pönnukökur with Egill and Alva.

We define aura as a unique phenomenon at a distance, however close it might be. If, while resting on a summer afternoon, you follow with your eyes a mountain range on the horizon, or a branch which casts its shadow over you, you breathe in the aura of those mountains, of that branch. — Walter Benjamin

Hamburger Bahnhof Museum für Gegenwart with Mari and Mika

Trümmer sind an sich Zukunft. Weil alles, was ist, vergeht. Es gibt dieses wunderbare Kapitel bei Jesaja, in dem es heißt: Über euren Städten wird Gras wachsen. Dieser Spruch hat mich immer fasziniert, schon als Kind. Diese Poesie, die Tatsache, dass man beides zugleich sieht. Jesaja sieht die Stadt und die anderen Schichten darüber, das Gras und wieder eine Stadt, das Gras und wieder eine Stadt.

Rubble is the future. Because everything that is, passes. There is a wonderful chapter in Isaiah that says: grass will grow over your cities. This sentence has always fascinated me, even as a child. This poetry the fact that you see both things at the same time. Isaiah sees the city and the different layers over it, the grass, and then another city, the grass and then another city again. — Anselm Kiefer

I head on down to hear Andre Vida jam on saxophone at Wendel with Jodi. It’s smoky, cool, hot, beat, and groovin — check this redux audio out:

(00:24:07, stereo audio, 46.3 mb)

The Wild Surmise

Sue Thomas poses some interesting questions in her search for possible synergies between the cyber and the natural. it’s an open project — add you own answers on her site!

Please describe where you lived and your strongest memories of nature during the years of your growing up. I’m interested in both positive and negative recollections of anything from the smallest plot to the largest wilderness, including animals and plants.

sotto voce: I am a native of Alaska, born there as a Cold War military child. My father, a senior Pentagon analyst, sport-hunted grizzly and polar bears among other magnificent animals. We moved to Boston, then Southern California, then Washington DC, living in suburban or rural fringes of cities. A primal memory was of viewing a total solar eclipse from a beach in Acadia National Park in the northeast state of Maine, USA, at five years old. Watching the sun be consumed, until there was only a shimmering ring of fire surrounding a black hole in the sky. My father was an amateur astronomer, and I accompanied him on a further four total eclipse expeditions. Along with these specific memories, there are general memories of sleeping in the woods, of eating around a fire, of washing in streams, mosquitoes, and dark star-brilliant skies. more “The Wild Surmise”

mantis

preying, or is it a praying mantis hooks into window screen wires, on the outside, with the fluttering Others gathering to the seductive Lights. and, a feasting begins, first a snapping quivering snatch, and some bug is devoured from head to ass, wings and legs fluttering down when attaching flesh and tendon is consumed. imagining the mandibles, a multiplicity of angled jaws cracking, shredding carapace for juices and soft meat inside. a crab feast. a result of meditative posturing, carefully controlled breathing. and fast reflexes. a neck that can pivot the two 180-degree eye-spheres. serrated arm ridges clamp prey. deadly machine, and a shivering to watch.

cool water

(4:00, stereo audio, 7.7 mb)

deep in the shadow of the towering sandstone cliffs, in the dark fracture zone, Pool Creek breathes life into the heat of the mid-summer day.

lanfranchis

First-responders on the way home last night. On the way back from checking out the local sonic scene and to meet Shannon and Rick for their solo performances at LanFranchis, a (the!) local alternative space — reminded me very much of FishBon in Santa Barbara except folks were smoking. Also met Katherine, a creative writing student at UTS. The performances were good with a decent 5.1 sound system. It would have been nice to do a mix like I did for leplacard in Helsinki two weeks ago. Here’s an ambient mix from the evening.

Make it to Bondi this morning after long transport delays.

Other notes on the antipodes: clouds (definitely the wrong word!) of black fruit bats the size of fat and dumpy seagulls drift (definitely do not fly!) in the late twiLight airs above the treetops. A … disturbing … sight. Not for its natural curiosities, but for the way the beasts move — as though they are in a drunken haze of meditative zen tranquility while moving across a space of thick gaseous vortices, all lying at the bottom of the sea, and me looking upwards.

The next note: so far, while the National Art Museum has a permanent exhibition of Aboriginal Art, I have seen only two drunk Koori around Kings Cross — near the 20-meter-high Coke advertisement. Enough said. Maybe a dumb idea along with this Colonial geometry but I would like to get a decent didje for working the breath when next in desert lands.

The whole world was asleep. Everything was quiet, nothing moved, nothing grew. The animals slept under the earth. One day the rainbow snake woke up and crawled to the surface of the earth. She pushed everything aside that was in her way. She wandered through the whole country and when she was tired she coiled up and slept. So she left her tracks. After she had been everywhere she went back and called the frogs. When they came out their tubby stomachs were full of water. The rainbow snake tickled them and the frogs laughed. The water poured out of their mouths and filled the tracks of the rainbow snake. That’s how rivers and lakes were created. Then grass and trees began to grow and the earth filled with life. — Koori creation story

More notes: in the water. For the first time in surf for a long time. Body at first not responding, that combined with the size of the breaks. A few minutes conversation with a beach guard who is out in the break herding folks away from a rip. He says it’s a hell of a first day to visit Bondi — they were pulling people out all day, jet skis crashing through the foam heading out beyond the breaks to check on surfers, and hovering choppers. Sets get up to 3 meters, look like even more occasionally. It’s a workout to get through even the secondary shore breaks which are easily at a meter-and-a-half. Noticed the surf report online is in feet. Old timers guarantee that maybe? Great to be out there, though. damn. But no room for error. No body surfing, just stroking between breaks, diving deep under the curlers, and staying out of the way of anything turbulent.

despair? or what?

interview passes smoothly, no need for the pre-tension of notes. great pressure to articulate in brief the complex topics of life-practices. the results will be known in a week already. fast and efficient compared to the debacle of the other recent US university interaction. it will be a tough choice if there is an affirmative. there is a deeply-felt distance from everything I know in the world, being here. settling into yet another life here. finding a place. Sydney is urban, though with a slick easiness of calm inner relaxation. huh? words can’t circumscribe it yet. at all. haven’t made any photographs yet either. a few audio samples, but nothing definitive. walking home after sunset, the skyline of downtown is silhouetted against a singularly sharp sky.

Life is impossible at high temperatures. That’s why I have reached the conclusion that anguished people, whose inner dynamism is so intense that it reaches paroxysm, and who cannot accept normal temperatures, are doomed to fall. The destruction of those who live unusual lives is an aspect of life’s demonism, but it is also an aspect of its insufficiency, which explains why life is the privilege of mediocre people. Only mediocrities live at life’s normal temperature; the others are consumed at temperatures at which life cannot endure, at which they can barely breathe, already one foot beyond life. — E. M. Cioran, On the Heights of Despair style=

hooligans

A long stroll to the Hauptbahnhof for tomorrow’s tickets. End up using the electronic ticket machine which leaves me with exactly no change because it doesn’t take EUR 100 bills. Fortunately I have exactly the cost, EUR 87.50 from Kiel to Aachen. Should have gotten a rail card 4-days/one-month it would have saved me a bit, too late now.

Muttering German phrases, words, repeating to self the texts on signs. Down to the harbor, ever so often, becoming mindful, not enough, but bringing the breathing and the hyper pace down a few levels, and deepening the breathing and shifting the worldview. On the way down there are several conglomerations of police in full riot gear. Apparently a football match between Lübeck and Kiel is taking place today. The police presence is overwhelming, and at the Hauptbahnhof there are at least 100 officers deployed, forming a press to search fans as they get off the train from Lübeck. Some are outfitted in dark green cloth-covered body armor, some are in black. No clear difference between the two uniforms. They mostly are large and imposing figures, a few women among the men. The football fans repeatedly break out in hoarse and echoing chants. The police escort the city buses to the stadium with riot vans, along with officers filming everything on dv-cams.

The sonic ambience is interesting. Getting good use out of the Zoom H4 (Ed: redundant link, now to the H4n-Pro which is way better than the discontinued H4). It seems to get pretty decent sound with the built-in microphones. I have yet to try the external phantom miking possibilities. Now it’s a question of getting the content online, though, I’m way behind on that, when each day is full of in-ma-face email pressures and logistics issues. So it goes!

(00:05:05, stereo audio, 10.5 mb)

Then Björn sends very dramatic footage from the riots in Copenhagen, right from his flat overlooking Sankt Hans Torv. He caught some of the molotov cocktails going off and some rude crowd action until the tear gas forced him to close his window.

spokendays

Darko Fritz announces his participation in spokendays. I reflect on this intriguing project, tracking the sonic resonances:

time passing. this project touches on that inexorable passing. where inspirated and aspirated breath divides life into periods. periodic demarcations like the seasons, like the sun risings and settings. months are social demarcations that frame our social existence. not shared everywhere on the globe, they represent one system of social order. how else could one sing and chant time passing? by facing the sun each morning and saying to it, upon appearance above the rim of self-seen earth, welcome! from the rested and warm-skinned body.

Twelve international artists were each invited to choose a month in 2007, and to record an audio file of themselves speaking all the days of that month, ie: Monday, January 1st, Tuesday, January 2nd, etc. Those audio files were forwarded to me where I added additional sounds or musical elements in response to what they had submitted. Each artist spoke their days in their native language. The result is a conceptual experiment to achieve a ‘verbal’ calendar. Each month’s audio file (MP3) is available for online listening without charge or registration. A good quality computer sound system or headset is highly recommended. Future ‘spoken Days’ years will feature speakers from various commonly-held occupations, beliefs or interests, ie: actors, politicians, blue collar workers, and so on. This project was not motivated by politics, religion, or financial goal. It was independently funded by only the time spent in the process and by the generosity of the various international participants. — Jerry King Musser

another Park

City of Angeles approaches. First announcing raw presence in air quality, flushing through the pass, spreading out through the desert air’s invisibility, making air visible. Then the Light at night. Not able to compete directly, from east rising lunar fullness to western post-solar glow. But it’s there in the whining of high-performance vehicles wrapped out to extremity of rpm. And the Marine base, long across the high valley. Night flare drops, leisurely falling stars, choppers circulating around, thundering low-frequency rumbles that speak of war and preparations for war.

Back in, around Joshua Tree. Choosing two places to try and see some raw landscape, the first pull-out and hike ends in a maintenance yard out in the middle of nowhere. The second, simply ends up next to a big parking lot. Landscape littered with detritus of this tourism — multi-liter Big Gulp cups, cigarette butts, and bleached aluminum cans — it’s a wonder how we impact the world. The maxim in wilderness-designated areas of “take only pictures, leave only footprints” seems so … quaint. When the foot-stomping impact now includes the air breathed so regularly by the body. Maybe there’s no answer to this. Life impacts the space-time and energy continuum of the locality (with locality being relative).

French tourists loudly remarking, “écoute la silence!” Repeatedly. Making it clear that in order to find the same, one would have to leave the park entirely.

reflections on the classroom

to the IDC list

sotto voce: Although, as a University educator — I agree with John’s appraisal of the condition of the contemporary educational institution (having taught in around 50 institutions in Europe and the US), there is this critical area to consider: yes, the classroom has not undergone a physical re-design, but perhaps it doesn’t need one. When the door closes, it has the potential to be a space for transcendent encounters between the participants IF the oppressive effects of the fear that is instilled by the dominant educational system in both student and teacher — the fear of nonconformity, the fear of personal idiosyncrasies, and the fear of the unknown — if the fear is mitigated. I believe this fear is a result of the accumulation of pathological (unbalanced) relationships that are mandated between humans when operating in hierarchic situations. If, as a facilitator more “reflections on the classroom”

sufferation

fighting for breath, heart bursting, the horizontal trauma that surgery imposes on the body is severe. can’t imagine being older or in worse shape. fighting to get enough air, but no diaphragm muscles left, and pushing against the suture wall, non space for air. heart compressed into smaller-than-average ribcage. pulmonary edema. can’t draw anything near a full breath. even with an oxygen feed. a horrible suffocating night.

Sacred Datura

Back to the desert. Around 95°F from Kingman onwards past Needles, then the turn north off the Interstate into the Mojave. Things are still green. The Buckhorn Cholla (Opuntia acanthocarpa) is blooming, along with Sacred Datura (Datura meteloides) and other plants. There is already one generation of spring grass that is now bone dry and gone to seed, dead. A reason for some alarm in human quarters: fire hazard, from simply driving through the stuff with a hot exhaust pipe. Southern Arizona is already seeing higher than average burn acreage this year even though it is early in the fire season. Sliver of crescent moon, shadow bathed in blue-green earth-Light. Venus slightly below, eclipsed by granite boulders. Jupiter with an extended string of pearls high and wide. Close by to the place I camped in December on the way up here. Not as cold as then, but the temperature swing from day to night will be at least 30°F tonight. But the dry air has a ethereal soothing quality. Limited material content, terrestrial-bound equivalent of Mars. Day and night. Hot and cold. Long drive tomorrow, the rest of the way for Dana’s birthday dinner. Five hundred miles away still. Mostly interesting drive, as a virtual show of landscape variation. But tedious when there are deadlines. Would rather take several days to cross the Great Valley. So many strange scenes there.

Smithsonian magazine echoes my words again. How the visibility of the West has contracted from 145 miles to between 35 and 80 miles. More dramatic than I mention to folks, but I got my statistic some years back. It is decreasing. From the right vantage, overlooking Tejon Pass and the gap to the south of the San Bernadino Mountains, thick jets of raw burnt-red eL-Ay air burst into the desert, making a dusty haze that spreads east to Arizona and further. Ever got caught downwind of a campfire? What’s the difference to that and being downwind of 13 million Los Angelenos swarming in single-passenger SUV-droves, simultaneously towards and away from their every desire. Not much. Weepy, stinging eyes, raspy nose, and asthmatic breath.

Imagining if I came into a sizable chunk of money I would buy a 3-CCD video camera. I shoot so much nice footage in cool places that it is a bit of a waste having a crappy consumer cam. Would never settle for such lousy optical quality doing still camera or traditional film work. The cheapest one could get would be $3K, and the prospect of a used pro cam is unsettling. Hmmm.

Well, once the doctoral direction is settled (or dropped).

dis-orientation

the immediate sensation of walking in the desert is that of dis-orientation, not as though the earth is not located in gravitational alignment with the body, but just that local principles of verticality and level are distorted by the radiating fields of each feature of the landscape. the barrel cactus making a vortex, the Joshua Tree making a rushing multiplicity of whorls that snake through the air in frozen torment. the Saguaro, massive, rakes the moving air with so many spiny teeth that there is a rush not so different from that through the branches of a live oak, in the fall when the leaves are stuck in crinkled brown misery, waiting for some winter storm to end it all.

I stumble slowly in random directions. stopping every few minutes to examine some thing, no, some tableau, of intricate intensity. first it is the flowers, the huge ones on some of the smaller barrel cactus, the color of which cannot be mapped on a spectral scale. it is beyond red, crimson, scarlet, and carnelian together. then the small yellow-orange poppies, scattered widely, punctuating, defining vertices. then there are the rest of the flowers, purple, white, yellow, spectral and brilliant, defining scale. then the variety of cacti. birds, seldom actually seen, unlike the red-tailed hawk that signaled the place to stop for the night. but there is plenty of song throughout the air. stone and earth given from volcanism, basalts and pyroclastics, with rare SiO2 thermal depositions. what looks like a man-chipped white quartz flake in one stream bed. nothing else of interest locally. one wash has some standing water alive with insects and larva in the water. butterflies and hornets, wasps drinking. water seeming fresh, but another week and it will be gone. for the rest of the 4 months until the monsoon brings an occasional flash-flood. then the sky, with a patterned layer of high-altitude clouds coming from a NW low pressure, bringing something from the Pacific. not rain, but only the dimness of vapor sun Light. something of a relief here in the day, at night, keeping the land-warmth in a bit. I walk for perhaps four hours, stopping frequently, in an outward spiral from the space-vehicle that brought me here. seeing it on occasion, far off and small, alien. near it’s track. forward advance was halted by a hill a bit too steep and rutted and graveled to gain traction. the powerful urge to buy a 4×4 Tacoma nags at my hydrocarbon-nurtured soul. the soul born of the road-trip. a extravagant luxury in the near future. and only a strange memory for the next generation. grabbing food, bedding, tents, stoves, chairs, axe, bug-repellent, sun-screen, and some good friends, and head out, some where. topping the tank off at the last outpost.

with the clouds, Phoenix announces itself 120 miles away with a malevolent reddish glow reaching up about 15 degrees from the southeast horizon between two mesas. it brightens while I watch Jupiter, led by its four main satellites, pulling it like a globular puppet on invisible strings up the ecliptic plane. the two main tropic bands easily visible, the spot not apparent. (more images)

For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worth-while challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking, looking, breathlessly. — Carlos Castenada

Erlebnis

trawling, ANT (actor-network theory), social network theory, many many theories, some incomplete descriptions. mostly there is a neglect of the energy-transfer. most stay in the realm of abstracted social relation with only oblique reference to the actual embodied dynamic. why facing someone is different than standing at right angles. why eye contact is ‘important.’ and reading a book of Justyna’s about the architectural uses of glass (the airport here a good example of that usage). letting visible Light in is the normal paradigm. resisting natural flows, reducing the total possible bandwidth. from the asymptotic infinitude of blasting flows of the universe to something more manageable. the numerous graphs showing (transmissive) attenuation vs frequency only focus on the visible. a holistic approach would consider the full range of attenuation (what is not allowed to pass). glass is great for a narrow range of Light and some EM radiation off the incredibly narrow range of visible Light, but that’s about it. it stops everything else.

wind (as a formal naming of the flux/movement of air) is a form of energy. sit in a clear glass box in a tropical paradise. and you will die shortly. a glass box is the predicate for scientific (reductionist) experimentation. with a glass (optical) window observing.

again, back to the history of glass. a fragment of an idea that I have often explored with class groups. the history of glass.

They tore down the bus station
there’s chainlink there
no buses stop at all
and I’m walking through Chiyoda-ku
in a typhoon
300
the fine rain horizontal
umbrella everted in the storm’s Pacific breath
tonight red lanterns are battered,

laughing,
in the mechanism. — William Gibson

after floods and a root canal

high water. seemed like Iceland there for a few days, gale rains straight from California, turning the yard of dark brown basalt soil to a soupy flow. rain barrel full many times over. dry washes overflowing (surprising neophyte Westerners), streets awash (pavement rapidly pounded to soaking pot-holes from cheap aggregate of soft volcanic ash from the cinder cones around San Francisco Peaks), then a day later, cloudless blue, and the normal total dryness in air, sky, and land. no end to the drought, though for the days of rain, those recent arrivals think it is now okay to plan ten new golf courses instead of two.

Dr. Donaldson performs a root canal on the four long roots of a molar, the one that was giving me so much trouble over the last eight months. low-grade infection had been irritating the nerves so this is the only way to go. his technique is incredibly focused and attentive: I spend the 90 minutes in the chair concentrating on my breathing and listening through bone to the sounds made by the different borers, rasps, probes, and sonic cleaners. wishing it would be possible to record. contact mike on forehead perhaps? have to have direct bone contact, though, no flesh. one could mount a small contact mike directly onto a tooth: noize!

Route 66


Pissing in the night, first the awareness of a full bladder, then the struggle into a wakefulness or forceful sleeping to ignore it all. Or checking the air temperature in the stellar darkness. Chilling. unzip the bag and squirm out, sandals on, turn around, open the door. Skin is less sensitive to the cold with sleep-warmth stored up. Intake breath with the brilliance of horizon-to-horizon density of stars. Vision is possible. It’s not totally dark. The Orion nebula clearly a nebula. Planets almost shedding shadows on dark ground.

Up in the morning with the sun cracking the southeast horizon. Dense fog filling the entire valley to the south, covering the railroad and floating the mountains far beyond on a silver sea. Have a fast breakfast, load-up, and drive to the Cadiz-Soda Lake road, but there has been so much rain in the last week the road is flooded so instead retrace path to the old Route 66, paralleling the rail line east to Needles. Stop at the BLM office and have a chat with Murl, a local with tremendous knowledge of the Mojave area. Trade stories and show respective trilobite samples, mine not too bad, considering that I had little memory of the place and that I found outcrops that had not yet been worked over completely. Thence on east, into the Arizona (Sonoran) desert with the saguaro and cholla cactus. Each growing in specific and very distinct ranges. The saguaro limited to south-facing rocky hill- and mountain-sides, never in the flats. The cholla often in north-sloping gravel alluvium. As the local nursery-lady, working in the native flora department said to me — “if it (a particular native plant) isn’t growing somewhere, then it can’t grow there…” without enough help to overcome the negative characteristics of the location, water, soil chemistry, Light, etc — obvious, but profound at the same time…

The desert is green, some areas like a billiard table, wildflowers will be resplendent later in March and April as the rainfall in the last month has already totaled more than the usual annual fall.

Clouds race towards the highlands to found the winter storms. Still in the lowlands, I trace a prickly pear and a Joshua tree in electron fullness.

the long night of radio art

At the vilma offices thanks to Gediminas and Nomeda — for hosting the stream I’m sending to Steve of art@radio in Baltimore who has an elaborate studio set-up for the live streaming he’ll be doing from there to The Long Night of Radio Art that is part of the Reinventing Radio project of KunstRadio. the whole project will be broadcast on FM, shortwave, a special 5.1 digital satellite transmission, and online. (Taking a breath). Yeah, live online. Meet August on the IRC channel broadcasting from Santa Barbara.

gates of paradise, oh yeah?

the inbox overfloweth and among the jetsam, the gates of paradise

M y end e a v o r
i n the shadow is to c r e a t e
a l i ght effect that goes d o w n p a s t
t h e walls of habitual prejudice, d o w n t o
t h e training broken buried Se l f, t hr o u g h t h e
s c a ttering of ideas, images, and wor d s, t o o q u i c k
o f s ad or happy for the mercilou s d o g t r a i n i n g
to r eject. My endeavor is to no u r i s h t h e b u r i e d
r e al human inside so t ha t i f t h e b u r i e d S e l f
e v er arises to take its plac e i n t h e co n s c i o u s
l i fe, the unb o u n d S e l f w i l l b e s t r o n g
e n ough to surv i ve t h e v i c i s s i t u d e s
For human beings breath and change are the same: And they are different: The same is the gate.
o f o ur daily life. Fi n d y o u r S e l f.
B e your Sel f. L i v e f r o m
y o u r S e l f.
-- David Daniels

then what can be commented on? in the face if it all?

hanging in the Kiasma Café, waiting to meet Aki again. just got word on funding for a short trip to Oslo if I want. to the Random System Workshop with Kim Cascone, but I’m also scheduled to do a streaming gig to Prague and The Kitchen in NYC on Thursday evening as well, what a problem to have. too many interesting things to do! incredible the difference to life in US academia. but the instability is taking some getting used to after the two relatively sedentary years in Boulder. especially the issue of buying plane tickets. feel like that is draining the up-sides.

on the way

days alternate: hiding on the island, and going to meet folks. wandering to the ferry through the ice-fog. while meeting Sanna in Café Succés on Korkeavourenkatu, Visa sees me and drops in. on my first visit to Finland, in 1994, and then in early 1995, when I did a gig at Media Lab, I stayed in what was his printing studio, around the corner from the café. to save money on the Nordplus teaching exchange, I had a tea and wienari (a cinnamon and glazed pseudo-spiral of pastry dough with a berry jam center) for breakfast. earl gray. bergamot. it was enough to carry me until the institutional lunch at the university which packed belly with the standard fare. pea soup with ham on Thursdays. all across the country. anyway, it’s my favorite café in Helsinki, they have the largest and best wienari in town, made on the premises fresh daily. there is a constant level of coming and going, intimate meetings, where old lovers can have tea and conversation that drifts through all the subjects that once were whispered with entwined and humid breath in nights of late spring, no longer dark in these latitudes. tulips on the table are chosen with a color to match the only dressy shirt available, and time is mapped in eyes and souls. nothing changed, and only the future is left. the past is past. dialogue after dialogue. one, another, another, yet another. life spent in this vocal dance. and occasionally in the Lighter dance of embodied soul, where corporeal centers of gravity press close and don’t need calculus to predict a potent trajectory.

if only. on the edge of the seat, looking onto the eyes. averting when the intensity of that looking is too much. trying to see heart behind glassy lens. but, after awhile, nothing to do but be. effort for this is neither rewarded nor punished, only just tolerated. better to stay in the moment, forget past and future. be an oracle for the self. and when wandering back slowly to the island, Lightly entwined for warmth, words slowly pressed from the atmosphere, silence filled with iced breath. first some tea to warm hands, then rearranging the furniture, pushing beds together.

the issue is, on this residency, what exactly to do? or not to do?? some things are done already.

wha’?

dinner party, bed late, up early to jump on the train to Bremen, Steffi cuts x-ray legal class at the clinic and drives me to the Kieler Bahnhof. change trains at Hamburg Dammtor Bahnhof. Frieder and Susi meet me at the Bremen Bahnhof an hour later. not having a mobile phone is annoying already.

preparing for the intensity of the workshop that is to start tomorrow (Monday) morning. it should be quite interesting, especially after the impulse from the last two energized/energizing weeks. breathing the air of ‘old Europe,’ I don’t find this problematic, it’s more stimulating than shopping, consuming to save the world economy, that’s for sure. don’t wanna live with that burden.

transformative reactions

arrive the night before Valentine’s Day in Kiel following the first European workshop of the Second Nomadic Phase. if things proceed like this all the time, there is no going back to the core of Empire, in retro vision, it is too corrupt. is this too simplistic a diagnosis? maybe, but the energy flow patterns in that set of structures is … oh hell, can’t describe it, it’s just a bunch of abstracted words.

anyway, Christian brings Steffi flowers last night. Valentine’s Day. I bring some Lübecker marzipan.

yeah, reflecting back on the two weeks, I had forgotten how powerful dialogues can be when there are engaged individuals at both ends. the system in Boulder exerts such a high degree of psychic pressure on the students (and faculty) that the conditions for humane dialogue are almost impossible to achieve. they need some breathing space of chaos — or some a root ground that feeds any contingency of flow. if the degree of insistent social flow-framework is too rigid, then there is no possibility of inspiring breath. and there is suffocation. embedded in the situation at ISNM is, for now, a degree of chaos that is not particularly uncomfortable, but it is at least available.

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances; if there is any reaction, both are transformed. — Karl Jung, hanging in Frieder and Susi’s kitchen

teaching with technology

Teaching with technology conference. Concepts swimming at the popular surface of the sea. Little diving to the basal bentholithic ground. Why the ascendancy of the text? (and David Abram’s critique of written language as the initial wedge driven between lived/immersive experience in the sensual world and the new rational sentient be-ing.) Hearing things from the keynote speaker, intelligent, that I have dealt with and modeled in my teaching already. hmmmm. Stating the obvious. And keeping to the center. not comatose. (my presentation: Convergent Practice: Networking and Creativity)

Deep in production states, the initial 2-hour DVD burned for the installation coming up in a couple weeks. First time in artifact production for public show since the installation at Deiglan in Akureyri in 2000. Tested the plasma screen today, some sizing glitches, but otherwise, it seems to look/sound good. Second iteration will happen this week, perhaps a third after that.

So little writing done here, reflections seem to be submerged by influx, hinted knowings (tongue on 9-volt battery, citrus), secretions of saliva. pressure of hearing, adsorbing.

Open source, middleware, centralization, privacy, (the idea of standards, or the principle behind, actually directly decreases possibilities of innovation!) so, when standards come from open source communities of use, vs a central corporate monolith, you get different results. mandated innovation … hah.

Technology, arts, media. ‘talk the talk,’ but where’s ‘walk the walk.’ The focus on a particular level of technology to implement in a teaching situation. There is no correlation between deployment of technology and the quality of the learning experience (period).

Paragraphs. delineating breaks of time. illustrating the discontinuous nature of re-creating, re-production.

lost the life of language, the usage that does not spark, no internal voice. where the internal voice spends breathless hours; questions itself.

scoring

score. life goes the right direction, so it seems. university faculty housing comes through, a relatively inexpensive apartment for the academic year. car is now registered in Colorado, drivers license is next. maybe even re-registering to vote, after the long hiatus of cynical attitude and expatriate status. but voting only to stick it to the folks who engineered the coup d’etat in the previous presidential election. the results don’t really matter anyway, as the core of the empire, the ranks and ranks surrounding the centers of power “inside the Beltway” are rotten and corrupt.

I penetrate the earth and sustain creatures by my strength; becoming Soma, the liquid of moonLight, I nurture all healing herbs.
I am the universal fire within the body of living beings; I work with the flow of vital breath to digest the foods that men consume.
I dwell deep in the heart of everyone; memory, knowledge, and reasoning come from me I am the object to be known through all sacred lore; and I am its knower, the creator of its final truth.
— Lord Krishna

the Dalai Lama

aside from the Flatirons encroaching across Baseline in Chautauqua Park. the events around teaching are less determined than ever. shifting back into the US system seems hopeless. I steel for the return to Europe. to survive professionally. maybe even to thrive. I see that life is slipping in this lack of praxis. clearly the axis of language and action, one that I have been oscillating along has brought me nowhere. and the suspicion about that abyss between language and action is only a scar tissue embedded in brain left from anomalous childhood. there are people who do as they say. whose truth is their word. what a surprise.

disengaged. and. lacking the words to put a reasoned spin, retching. grinding. poking at coals. filtering. charging, toasting, flaming, playing, reloading, installing, listening, not looking, answering, washing, riding, shifting, coasting, swimming, breathing, biting, chewing. nothing else. calling, sending, calling, sending, receiving, tired.

and now I decide to finish this travelog once again (hogwash). here at the end of the 6th year of entries. in just a couple weeks. because there is so little to be said. formations of letters. pulled from the fingertips. no sweat, the weather is too chill. merde! quit. ’cause it’s not going anywhere. anymore. the nomad doesn’t see the stars. doesn’t scrape hand across the sharpness of the macro-granular sandstone, cheek to ground. life going on.

a precious human life

everyday, think as you wake up,
today i am fortunate to have woken up
i am alive, i have a precious human life
i am not going to waste it
i am going to use all of my energies to develop myself
to expand my heart out to others,
to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings.
i am going to have kind thoughts towards others
i am not going to get angry or think badly about others.
i am going to benefit others as much as i can.
–XIV Dalai Lama

uphill paths

a feeling. that the social matrix. well. never was a home. but then, what is a home?

at the end of this month, there will be another annual turning point. this travelog will transition into its seventh year. stasis-log. or traces of biking down the hill to school, and the deep breathing of the constant uphill home late each evening. writing about the different houses along the way, the different routes taken, depending on which turns are made. the crying bitter wind chill of the descent.

you cannot change the past

ponderings:

they sat in a room in a mud house dried by southern suns or so they thought. but it was one of those rooms where vision was restricted, atrophied, and seeing even the heat of mingled breath close to the face was not possible. she said that she couldn’t see much down the road either. instead of listening, he looked down upon his Self from above, like the moon, somewhere else in the room, or through the window, it was evening, and the Blood of Christ mountains moved under the fixed stars. she was there, he was somewhere else, or at least that what it seemed. to a third person, though there wasn’t an Other in the room, it seemed that they were both there. or maybe all three were alone, in separate rooms. wondering which door to open, hoping that they would find the Other. it was all too much. sensual presence limited to a 60 cycle drone in the ear. so he slept near the sea. sleeping was easier. his soul could drift. seaweed, underwater, storm breakers, a flush of bubbles, millions of small silver worlds. eyes closed. and still they saw. they saw the conditions of all things around and the entire rushing froth of the universe. (in every instant. de-cipher. out of the word, before the word. ex-officio.) and with that seeing, the force behind the eyes apprehended the future. and the past was there as well: not in need of apprehension, but of leaving in it’s momentary state of reified change. you cannot change the past. neither can I. they looked at each other, eyes as deep as the flat sky of a frozen noon somewhere in a nameless valley in the desert. and agreed. on everything that lived. it was only those things in the stasis of impacted death that caused a divergence. Saturn occulted by the moon, the Pleiades looking on.

but what about teaching and academia? only rare words for that here. but what if I had written about teaching all along this long road? would there be anything learned there? or would it all be the same repeated staleness. at least there are the strong reactions from the few, always, a trail of glittering wakes, criss-crossing. nothing to do with the structural position of education in the developed world. but it is clear that academia in the US is somewhat isolated from the main stream of cultural activity. it’s not clear what the mechanism causing this isolation is. could be that general aspect of isolation and alienation that seems to be always a part of the society. or whatever. no pontiff. only hip-hop on the raydeeoh.

y2k

sporadic bottle-rockets, M-80’s, and strings of fire-crackers going off signals the approach of the New Years celebration in three short days. discussions do circulate on the condition of the world. and the possibilities of … but nobody knows anything for sure. so, speculation gets to be old and stale, and there is left only hollow waiting, which is, for me, a space of suspended living. there is no real breathless rushing towards doom. and portents are quite harmless, although they do pop into consciousness from time to time. waiting. letting fingernails grow, not calling folks. dinner last night with Val, Niels, Haukur, and Helmut, like the old times. Loki a few years older, eating, drinking, and talking. all of us older. me graying at the muzzle, look in the mirror, after pissing, behind amorphous silica eye covers, technology does not impact my being, only the body, or maybe it is vice-versa, maybe everything is changed with the advent of networked machines.

crux?

the day is a blur. truly a Monday morning. late evening phone calls, full of silent pauses, where each are trying to catch a psychic breath, letting heart gather stillness, let chest push open beyond closing constrictions. somehow, I have come to a different point in life these past months. not sure whether it is a crux, juncture, discontinuity, a crisis, turning point, simple chance, a result of earlier mis-calculations, whatever. curious how isolated I feel. again, in another foreign country (looking around, how’d I get HERE?), talking to stranger after stranger about esoteric and aesthetic things. or nothing at all. the explorations of energy transfer between humans becomes theoretical and somehow less than real. it is subtracted from what should be a reality, leaving only a dried husk of presence. ‘nuf said.

then again, that dried husk can be liberated, revivified, soaked, with body fluid. blood saves, semen shudders, spit washes lips and tongue, and fingers smell of sweat and native secretions, meanwhile,

As in any well-functioning totalitarian society, the inhabitants of this automated prison believe they live this way by choice, having long since developed an aversion both to the surface of the earth and to direct experiences, unmediated by the machine. — E. M. Forster

decisions

decisions, decisions, decisions. floating in the grand scale of living. letting pathways open before me, rather than seeking to walk a certain way. remember when, at the opening of a photography exhibition I had in Aachen, back in December 1988, when Hans Werner was introducing me to the opening-night schwartz-lederhosen crowd, he said I was a pacifist (in German), and I immediately countered, saying I was an Activist! but, in retrospect, he was right. another fragment of evidence lies deep in writings I make — where I constantly use the passive voice in constructing sentences. passivity can be a strong position if it is grounded in flexible action (not rigid re-action). can’t say I am so flexible under most circumstances, despite the outward impression of being a resourceful and observant traveler. who cares? the teaching this time falls flat — for what reason? well only flat by measuring reactions. still have not gotten comfortable with silence. when putting ideas out on the table. understanding what it is, but being unable to expect less as an interactive component of a classroom dialectic — did Socrates conduct his sessions among Arabs? joke. but can the Socratic method function in a second-language situation? who cares. not even a theoretical issue. (funny, I am not even interested in what I am writing, it seems so far away from … me). dialectic energy exchange presupposes a same-language situation. unless both students and teacher are in a highly tuned state of sensitivity — something I have not attained (and may never). my comfort lies in language. and to rise above that would be … leaving school after dark, Polaris straight overhead, Venus setting, Jupiter rising, Mars rising, too, maybe? plenty of stars. cycling the 3 kilometers from school, stop to take some photos of the rapids that run through the middle of the town, or, perhaps it is the town that is built around the rapids. most likely. they are dry, a dry rocky chasm a few tens of meters wide, and perhaps 300 meters long. upstream is a dam, downstream, on the east bank in the old hotel, built for the Czar, evidently. the entire scene is brightly lit in the dark. right after making those images, I am cycling to the grocery store, crossing the street, I have to accelerate to get across ahead of some cars, but the bike is old, and the chain slips, dropping my foot, almost sending my flying, somehow, computer on my back, and Nikon around one shoulder, nothing happens except I hit my upper left ribcage, hurts like hell, and I wonder if I cracked a rib like back in judo class in Golden. taking a deep breath is uncomfortable, stretching is not.

module-tasking

finishing touches to the research plan part of the application to the doctoral program at UIAH (University of Art and Design Helsinki) Media Lab. an applied program which I hope might allow me some breathing space to recenter my activities in education and networking. and do things like coagulate bleeding wounds of sensibility:

Me:
>> I mean, can we really afford to ignore the conceptual/spiritual
>> philosophies underpinning the (monolithic) Chinese culture? As well as
>> MANY other basic cultures (including many local manifestations of
>> Christianity in the past 2000 years)? Typical blind-sided-ness of Western
>> Thought patterns! The dematerialization of life is essential, followed by
>> the transformation to the paradigm that all is energy! I love throwing
>> E=mc2 on the board! Energy is the body/mass convolved by the velocity of
>> Light acting upon itself! Conversly, the Body is Light to itself
>> subdivided by its energy…

Mark:
>> write it up dood! hypertextualize it in bodily chunks of light and then
>> link it to other destinations — the writer as networked energy…

glad that somebody thinks this is important. but this has always been a real problem with my work — that each time I have gotten something into a formal, materialized presence, I see how imperfect it is, and indeed, I have never been satisfied with any form of working this stuff out EXCEPT with a smallish intimate and interactive set of participants. everywhere from the slide-show parties back in the late 70’s and 80’s to the camping trips and dinners. why should an artist’s context be something ELSE if one is really intent on opening a dialogue with the Other. otherwise, the chances of opening any kind of connection through the overtly formalized and sterile ploys of the Art World is close to zero. slept with yer gallerist lately? Sanna calls, mmmmm. and have a rolling talk with Loki while he is multi-tasking between me and Saturday morning Tom and Jerry cartoons in Iceland. “Pabby, he just threw a paper airplane out the window … and look now, he opened the front door and the airplane just flew back in, how did that happen?”

black cat

up at 0600, but awoken at 0410 by somebody opening a door in the house, then, an hour later, the black cat — who I met yesterday first on the front steps, then, later, sprawled on the (heated) bathroom floor — jumps in the window. in bed at 0100. then, here at the airport, the plane in canceled, the next one also, and I have to transfer to an SAS flight an hour later. on the way over to Tone’s place for fish soup dinner, I stop to call Hilde, and at the same moment, Sanna calls, multi-tracking. and still the questions of what to do in the spring, after the holidays, causes me tight-chested breathing, and sleep deprivation. this is very unusual for me. so it is something to work with my breathing on, my concentration, my future. more offers to do workshops, this time back in Bergen in the spring. Cafe9 got another boost from this visit, very interesting intersections. for old times’ sake, I wander over to see Johan, who was teaching in the Institute of Photography at the Art and Design school when I was a guest lecturer back in 1992. or was it 1993?

food cycles

turbulence in mind, need some calming effects of … deep breathing. the future wells up, the future in mind, possible futures, and impossible ones, and the difficulties and fears of failure. always. seldom are the possible fun times pictured. only the problems. got to do some more positive visualization — negative vibes aren’t very nice. summer begins to loom, though, as a challenge of ordering movement. and time pressing in. and then hard after that is the question of the next academic year. deciding to remain free-lance or on dropping down into some relative space of at least less motion. thinking ahead is always a stress in this way. but then there is the idea that being a nomad should be a motion that is natural and un-self-conscious. and with that I get back to writing to others. cycles continue. animal protein products in the form of meat, egg, and cheeses, with grain products, bread, oatmeal, muesli, pasta; and plants, apples, oranges, bananas, onion, garlic, tomato, what else. eating the same stuff almost all of the time. (this thought comes after a week of living in a hotel and not being able to cook). about to leave again. these short gigs are too unsettling. they will be ending soon. with no base to move on.

Aglio e olio (once)

running around. MediaBase, talking with Oliver, Visa — visiting his studio and flat. Tarot-tossing, fast and sure. dinner with my favorite Icelandic students Solveig and Sara, along with Sara’s son Arnar. ghosts and the Wittendorf Venus. MTV and wine. pachouli on my fingertips. garlic on my breath. making garlic noodles again — ever since that afternoon in 1988 on the upper slopes of the main volcano on Isola Ischia off of Napoli, Italia. waiting for the others to do some shots elsewhere, I find myself at a small bar/restaurant, ceramic figurines everywhere, but my memory is not too clear. I lost one roll of film (I remember every roll of film that I have ever lost in processing, a total of five) in the period from Isola Ischia to Isola Stromboli, on account of an old developing canister I was using at Bill’s lab in Jersey City at the end of that summer. running two rolls in the tank, and the LID POPPED OFF in my hand. I was pretty quick to get it back on, but not before the top roll was pretty badly fogged. so, images of this little place where I first experienced the pasta dish l’aile d’olia (not sure if that is the correct Italian spelling, but) are not extant. garlic-breath the day after, especially if there are any left-overs, they make the perfect filling for a fabulous omelet! the recipe is simple — enough olive oil to cover the bottom of a cold frying pan. heat on medium heat, add at least eight cloves of garlic pressed or chopped, more if it suits your inner desires to fend off vampires and other forms of obnoxious life. sprinkle with pepper — preferably coarse-ground black or Tabasco, cayenne, but any will do, more to your tastes. let this mixture saute slowly — if the heat is too high, the garlic can burn, and that is definitely a no-no. start the pasta. it is best to use spaghettini (smaller in diameter than regular spaghetti), or angel hair. I find that heavy pasta pieces soak up too much oil. put a spoon full of crushed basil in the boiling water with a little oil (little or no salt), cook pasta. drain, and then quickly pour the hot oil and garlic over the pasta, mixing everything well (using a pasta spoon or two forks). the oil will quickly spread throughout the pasta. serve hot with baguettes, a good Bourgogne, water, a green salad, and lots of grated Peccorino Romano cheese. Plan ahead, make extra: the next day, leftovers can be used to make that scrumptious omelet!

logistics again

tomorrow Trondheim. day begins at midnight, looking out at the city, power plant to the south: cloud-factories I call them. belching clouds. work one hour into the new day and then quit. bad night sleep. complications with the schedule in Netherlands in March already. fragile, each little complication threatens to unravel the little security I have achieved lately. and is just a bother when plans go awry. ooooommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. center, center, breathe, breathe. blow-up. then a long warm embrace.

Gaia-skin

back here. but only in time to head to the next destination. and a little time to live in dreams and aspirations before heading to the next destination, again to the far north, Trondheim. it becomes abundantly clear that my traveling retraces the Vikings more often than not. maybe I need to visit the Orkneys and the Faroes, and breath the air on the strand of Jutland, and move up the Volga to Moscow or across the Mediterranean to Constantinople. travel like that is nothing and everything in this age. easy in time, but not. to pay for the few moments in the screaming air high above the Gaia-skin surface one works and saves the little trade-notes for a week, a month? so the labor of travel is not the ease of stepping on a riveted and welded tube of alloyed metals and sitting in an engineered chair receiving drinks and food from plastic-faced souls. instead, it is woven into the routine of life in the largest scale. it is a way of being, travel, and has gotten neither harder nor easier in the intervening million years since folks have been cruisin’ around, bipedal. broke down finally and bought a mobile phone. Nokia. why. couldn’t live without it.

soaking refuge

already my time here is gone. today vanishes into the strong north wind that blows all day. french toast for breakfast, Loki likes that a lot. we play on the computer for a time and MB comes to take him to see Peter Pan at the children’s theater. I go swimming, as I usually try to do the day before I leave Iceland. soak in the water that was one of my only refuges when I lived here. driving around town is strange. for a second I tried to picture living here again, but couldn’t. just too small and I could never integrate into the culture. but I don’t know the meaning of that phrase anyway — integrating into the culture.

and looking forward, there is:

When we have loved, my love, Panting and pale from love, Then from your cheeks, my love, scent of the sweat I love: and when our bodies love now relax in love after the stress of love, ever still more I love our mingled breath of love. — ancient Sanskrit verse

I dream

>I dream, I am floating by the sea
>the waves, they are coming to get me
>sweat, salt, saliva leaks from stones and sand
>flesh becomes fluid, breath becomes land
>I dream — I am the sea

Josephine jolts me a bit with this little text. despite the massive electricity of the last week. I have lost a bit of dreaming.

and on an entirely different note: Finland, in spite of its advanced technological society, has real working-class toilet paper everywhere — the kind where each swipe brings a lusty “hei-ho” from deep in the belly!

musings

I arrange my things in the room that Terhi just vacated, looking forward to six weeks of not too much movement and a fast Ethernet connection only a meter from the bed. ain’t no slackin’ gonna happen! not that it will affect my dreams, memories, but there is something of a fear that I will nerd out here. gotta remember to go out and dance with students some, even though they have hardcore patterns of sleep deprivation and such where bands don’t start ’til one in the morning and people party all night (thank god the nights are shrinking daily!). push-ups, recollections, replays of fragments of this and that memory, and I am not losing my hair except as it is SO long now, longer than it has EVER been, that it gets tangled, and for the past year I rake a handful of it out each couple days. still plenty. how is it at this AGE to have long hair. retro hippie that I never was because I wasn’t old enough to do those hippie things like Free love and stuff. more “musings”